Business English: A Practice Book by Rose Buhlig

III. Sometimes in an effort to be clear a writer uses _same_ as a pronoun; as, _Wrong_: If the books are not satisfactory, return same. This is one of the worst of the distinctly business blunders. _Same_ is never a pronoun. Write to a man as you talk to him and you will not use _same_ in this way. (See Exercise 88.) IV. Sometimes in order to get attention a writer will use a liberal sprinkling of dashes and capitals, probably in imitation of advertising copy. Better than such artificial means is the attraction of a well worded letter. * * * * * Criticise the following letters, pointing out all the expressions that should be improved. Rewrite the letters. 1 Gentlemen: We beg to acknowledge your esteemed favor of Apr. 6. In regard to shoes received by you in poor shape as per complaint, would say that on receipt of same will try to locate cause of trouble. If due to defect in manufacture, will credit you with value of same. Hoping this is satisfactory to you, Yours truly, 2 Dear Sir: Yours of March 18 at hand. Referring to matter of short weight, I beg to call your attention to C & A car 87324, which you loaded for us March 7 at your Auburn mine, gross weight 121,400 lbs. This car was check weighed at Peoria March 11 on your company's scales and showed gross weight 113,200 lbs. or shortage 8,200 lbs. Having investigated car, I find same was in good order and no indication of leakage, and it would appear to be a case of carelessness at time of loading. Therefore will request you to kindly send me cr. memo, on 8,200 lbs. Yours truly, =Exercise 223--The Sales Letter= The object of the sales letter is to make the reader buy. How can you do it? To begin with, get his point of view--that of the user. Then imagine that he is present and talk to him on paper. Get his interest with your opening sentence. Explain what you have to sell. Show him that he needs it. Whet his desire to possess it, and, finally, make it easy and imperative for him to order today. The opening paragraph is all-important. It may make or mar a letter. If it is stilted or lacks directness, if it hasn't the personal, natural tone that makes the reader feel you are talking to him, or if it is stereotyped in its wording, the letter will probably go to the waste-basket. Contrast the two letters that follow. Both were written to accompany a catalogue. Notice that the first begins and ends in a stereotyped way; has too few details to arouse interest; asks for an order but has no inducement to give one now; and, throughout, lacks the personal, convincing tone that makes the second a good selling letter. Notice that the second begins with _you_, not with _we_, and keeps the same _you_ attitude to the end. Turn back to the five essentials of a letter given on page 230. See if you can differentiate the five in the second letter. 1 Dear Sir: In compliance with your request of recent date we are sending you our latest general catalogue, inasmuch as we do not know which department catalogue you wish. We also have specialized books for jewelry, furniture, hardware, and drygoods. On request we shall be glad to send any one of these also. We carry the biggest line of Variety Store Leaders in the country, and our goods are always of the best. We take particular pains to acquaint our customers with the latest thing in the trade, and to give business-getting suggestions. Our Co-operative Bureau cheerfully answers all inquiries. Trusting we shall hear from you with an order, we are Yours truly, 2 Dear Sir: Under separate cover you will receive a copy of our latest general catalogue, published especially for owners of Variety Stores. We are sending you the general catalogue because we do not know whether you are interested in a particular department. However, if your business specializes in any one class of goods--such as jewelry, furniture, hardware, or drygoods--we shall be glad to supply you with the departmental book you need. On the enclosed postal card simply check the one you wish, and mail the card to-day. We shall forward the catalogue at once. You may know that we always have on hand between two hundred and two hundred and fifty different Variety Store Leaders, affording you a wide selection of high-class goods of the finest materials, the neatest workmanship, and the latest styles at very low prices. After glancing over the catalogue you will agree with us that in every department of our huge business a dollar has full purchasing power. A unique feature of our business, moreover, is the Co-operative Bureau, which you will find a decided help in building up your business. Each week the Bureau sends out a Bulletin, acquainting our customers with important business events in the larger trade centers, with suggestions for new advertising and selling methods, with notices of new stock additions that make especially good leaders, and with advice how best to display them. The Bureau invites correspondence and sends customers, absolutely free of charge, advice on new store arrangements, window decorations, and advertising plans. Your first order makes you a co-operating member and entitles you to all the privileges of the Bureau and the services of an institution with wide experience and with a recognized reputation for square-dealing. Fill out the enclosed order blank, mail it to-day, and receive this week's Bulletin by return mail. It contains several splendid suggestions for novel, inexpensive advertising. Yours truly, The letter given above is personal and yet dignified. Usually that is the best style to use, and the one that we wish to practice writing. Sometimes, however, results can best be obtained by using the colloquial or even jocular tone illustrated in the following letter sent to a retailer in Ottumwa, Iowa: Dear Sir: We sell cheese, a new brand, the finest kind you ever tasted, put up in the most attractive package, to sell at the most attractive price. Called Par Excellence Creme, wrapped in silver foil with a gold label, it sells for fifteen cents and costs you ten. Ever hear a better proposition? Better buy now before your rival gets ahead of you. Everybody's calling for it. Why? Because we're advertising everywhere. It has been out only one month, and yet sales have trebled our highest expectations. Half the sales of a new cheese depend on the package and the price; the other half depend on the quality. All three are right in Par Excellence Creme. Mr. S. R. King, our Iowa representative, tried to see you last week, but, unfortunately, he was unable to find you in. Now, he carries a full line of our samples, and it's worth the time it takes just to see how good they look, even if you don't care to buy. How about it? Don't you want to see them? Mr. King will be in Ottumwa next Wednesday. Yours truly, This style is commonly called "snappy." It has its advantage, but should be used only rarely. Above all, if you do use it, avoid the dash. Notice how the dash spoils the following: Dear Sir: Have you ever eaten that king of nuts--the budded or grafted paper shell pecan--the nut whose kernel is as nutritious as beef and as sweet and delicious as honey--the nut that is so delightfully palatable and so wholesome, the discriminating epicures of two continents have set their seal of approval on it--creating a demand that literally cannot be supplied--even at prices ranging as high as a dollar a pound. To use the dash in this way seems to imply that you do not understand punctuation or sentence structure. If the paragraph is rewritten, removing the dashes and dividing into sentences, we get a much stronger appeal. The dash makes for weakness rather than for strength because it suggests hysterics. Dear Sir: Have you ever eaten the king of nuts, the budded or grafted paper shell pecan? The kernel is as nutritious as beef and as sweet as honey. It is so wholesome and so delicious that discriminating epicures of two continents have set their approval on it, creating a demand that literally cannot be supplied, even at prices ranging as high as a dollar a pound. A very good way to open a sales letter is to get the attention by a bit of narration containing direct quotations, as shown in the following: Dear Sir: "It saves seven per cent." So said Mr. John H. Samuels, a manufacturer of Birmingham, Ala. He had watched his bookkeepers at their work, and it seemed to him that their main business was turning and flattening the springy pages of the bulgy ledger. Ten seconds were wasted, he said, every time a page was turned--almost every time an entry was made--and hardly more than two minutes were needed to make the entry. That was enough. Each of his twenty men was wasting seven per cent of his time. "Try hinged paper," suggested the head bookkeeper. Accordingly, Mr. Samuels tried several kinds of hinged paper, only to find that the hinged section tore, broke, or cracked. The time that the clerks now saved in flattening the leaves they wasted in rewriting the pages that had torn out. He had no more faith in hinged papers by the time that he saw the advertisement of the Benton hinge. "As strong as the rest of the paper!" he scoffed. "We'll see about this!" "Send me a sample," he wrote us. "If your ad tells the truth, you get my order." We sent it. He tested it. He pulled it, crumpled it, ruled on it, erased it on both sides, and even creased it. But it did not break. Very cautiously and doubtingly he tried the paper in one ledger for one month. He found that the book rolled flat whenever it was opened, that no hinge tore, and that every page could be used from binder to outer edge. "It does the work," he told our salesman at the end of the month. "It saves seven per cent. Send me a consignment." If you, too, are paying seven per cent of your bookkeepers' salaries for waste motion, let us send you a sample. It will cut down your expenses as it cut down Mr. Samuels'. Remember that you put yourself under no obligation to us. You take no risks. Simply promise to use the paper if we send it free. Yours truly, =Exercise 224= Study the following letters and letter openings for good and bad qualities: 1 Dear Sir: People who have not had much of what the world calls "good luck" find it hard to believe an opportunity when it comes--they don't feel sure about it--on the other hand, people who have had many opportunities have a natural confidence that every opening presented is intended for them and they grasp it with an assurance that begets success. You may be one of those who have not had many chances to do what you would like to do and therefore not sure that my offer is an opportunity. For that reason let us again go over the points of advantage.... 2 Dear Sir: I am taking the liberty of writing you again because I fear you do not fully realize the value of the proposition I am offering you. Why, man, it's the opportunity of a life-time!... (extended for three pages.) 3 Dear Sir: If we wanted to know just what kind of person you are, do you know where we'd go to find out? We'd ask your old friends and neighbors, who know all about you from close association. If you want to find out about us--what we are doing and what improvements we are making in southern Florida--the best place to get this information is from the people of Florida, who know the facts from first-hand observation. The enclosed clipping is an editorial expression--not a paid advertisement--from the Ft. Meyers Press. The editor is under no obligation to us and is merely expressing the opinion of the people here. . . . 4 New York, Right Now. A DEAL OF IMPORTANCE It affects YOU! It is so important I must forego the pleasure of a personal letter in order to write 5,000 people to-day--500 of whom--the wide-awake ones who read this letter through--will be able to coin it into dollars--real money--money you can spend. What we now offer you has never before been offered by any body in the world. It is a combination we are fortunate enough, just at this time, to be able to offer you, because of an important deal we have just closed--a deal that may easily spell dollars to you. Read every word of this letter--it may be--possibly is--the only thing to make you a successful and wealthy man. . . . 5 R F D 4 Logansport, Ind. 8-26-11. Mr. M. H. Smith, etc. Dear Sir: I acknowledge getting your telegram over the telephone yesterday, and if I had been in funds would have answered by return telegram, but such is life. I accommodated a friend by loaning him $750, which will probably be paid the last week of never. I thank you for the offer, and when I am in funds will call on you either personally or by letter. Very truly yours, =Exercise 225--Opening an Account= Imagine that you are manager of a wholesale dry goods house. You have received an order from P. H. Powley, 23 Water street, Franklin, Mich. As you do not know Mr. Powley, write him, stating in as courteous a way as possible that, since this is his first order, he must either furnish references or send a remittance. Make your letter direct and personal. Include some good selling talk. The exercise above illustrates the method that might be adopted in case of a small order. If Mr. Powley had sent a large order, the wholesale house would no doubt consult a financial agency to discover his financial condition; his _rating_, it is called. If his name were not found in the book of the agency, the wholesale house would require Mr. Powley to send a correct account of his financial standing; that is, a list of his assets and liabilities. If he refused, they would not do business with him. Why? The principal financial agencies are Bradstreet and Dun. Besides these, there are many mercantile agencies. They give any information that is required concerning a business man. All such information is confidential. In connection with this exercise study the letters that follow: REQUEST TO OPEN AN ACCOUNT Madison, Wis., Sept. 16, 1915. Wilson, Brighton, & Co., 68 Broadway, New York. Gentlemen: Until recently I was in the employ of Samuel Stratton & Co. of Milwaukee, but I have now started a business of my own, for which I should like to open an account with your house. As to my business ability and financial standing, I refer you to my late employers, Samuel Stratton & Co. of Milwaukee, and to the Madison State Bank of this city. If on investigation you decide to accept me as a customer, will you please send the goods on the enclosed order, deducting your usual discount for cash? Upon receipt of the goods and of the invoice, I shall at once forward a sight draft on the Broadway National Bank of your city. Respectfully yours, George R. Scott REPLY NO. 1 Dear Sir: In seeking information through the usual outside channels for basing credit for you, we find our reports have not been sufficient in detail to permit us to arrange this matter satisfactorily. These reports all speak very highly of you in a personal way, but do not give us the required information financially. We assume you want our goods for your Christmas trade. It is imperative, therefore, that we ship immediately. We suggest that on this order you send us a draft, in consideration of which we shall be pleased to allow you a special discount of 4%. Understand that we suggest these terms on this first order only, as we feel confident that we can easily arrange a credit basis for future shipments. We sincerely trust you will take no offense at the above suggestion, as we have made it in your interest. Yours very truly, REPLY NO. 2 Dear Sir: Thank you for the order you sent us yesterday. Its size confirms the belief we have always held that D---- is a rapidly growing business center, the right place for a retailer to settle and prosper. After careful consideration of your letter, however, we have decided to hold back your order for a short time. You cannot regret this more than we do. We do not like to lose your account, and yet, under the circumstances, we feel we cannot send you the order. We hope you can sell the property you mentioned in your letter and thus clear up the balances against you. Then we shall gladly open an account for you. We are especially sorry we cannot send the order at once, as you no doubt need your fall stock now. Don't you think it would be the best solution if you would send us your remittance for $250 now, so that we may send the goods? We know what it means to buy in the open market so late in the season. We assure you that on receipt of a remittance the order will go through immediately. Yours truly, =Exercise 226=