Enquire within upon everything by Robert Kemp Philp

The most objectionable error of the Cockney, that of substituting the _v_ for the _w_, and _vice versâ_, is, we believe, pretty generally abandoned. Such sentences as "Are you going to Vest Vickkam?" "This is wery good weal," &c., were too intolerable to be retained. Moreover, there has been a very able schoolmaster at work during the past forty years. This schoolmaster is no other than the loquacious Mr. _Punch_, from whose works we quote a few admirable exercises: i. Low Cockney.--"Seen that party lately?" "What! the party with the wooden leg, as come with--" "No, no--not that party. The party, you know, as--" "Oh! ah! I know the party you mean, now." "Well, a party told me as he can't agree with that other party, and he says that if another party can't be found to make it all square, he shall look out for a party as will."--(_And so on for half an hour._) ii. Police.--"Lor, Soosan, how's a feller to eat meat such weather as this! Now, a bit o' pickled salmon and cowcumber, or a lobster salid, _might_ do." iii. Cockney Yachtsman.--(Example of affectation.) Scene: the Regatta Ball.--"I say, Tom, what's that little craft with the black velvet flying at the fore, close under the lee scuppers of the man-of-war?" "Why, from her fore-and-aft rig, and the cut of her mainsail, I should say she's down from the port of London; but I'll signal the commodore to come and introduce us!" iv. Omnibus Driver.--_Old acquaintance_. "'Ave a drop, Bill?" _Driver._ "Why, yer see, Jim, this 'ere young hoss has only been in 'arness once afore, and he's such a beggar to bolt, ten to one if I leave 'im he'll be a-runnin' hoff, and a smashin' into suthun. Howsoever--here--(_handing reins to a timid passenger_)--lay hold, sir, I'LL CHANCE IT!" v. Costermonger (_to extremely genteel person_).--"I say, guv'ner, give us a hist with this 'ere bilin' o' greens!" (A large hamper of market stuff.) vi. Genteel Cockney (_by the seaside_).--_Blanche._ "How grand, how solemn, dear Frederick, this is! I really think the ocean is more beautiful under this aspect than under any other!" _Frederick_.--"H'm--ah! Per-waps. By the way, Blanche, there's a fella shwimping. S'pose we ask him if he can get us some pwawns for breakfast to-mowaw mawning?" vii. Stuck-up Cockney.--(_Small Swell enters a tailor's shop_.) "A--Brown, A--want some more coats!" _Snip_. "Yes, sir. Thank you, sir. How many would you please to want?" _Small Swell_. "A--let me see; A--ll have eight. A--no, I'll have nine; and look here! A--shall want some trousers." _Snip_. "Yes, sir, thank you, sir. How many would you like?" _Small Swell_.--"A--don't know exactly. S'pose we say twenty-four pairs; and look here! Show me some patterns that won't be worn by any snobs!" viii. Cockney Flunkey,--(_Country Footman meekly inquires of London Footman_)--"Pray, sir, what do you think of our town? A nice place, ain't it" _London Footman (condescendingly_). "Vell, Joseph, I likes your town well enough. It's clean: your streets are hairy; and you have lots of rewins. But I don't like your champagne, it's all gewsberry!" ix Cockney Cabby (_with politeness_).--"Beg pardon, sir; please don't smoke in the keb. sir; ladies do complain o' the 'bacca uncommon. Better let me smoke it for yer outside, sir!" x. Military Cockney.--_Lieutenant Blazer (of the Plungers)_.--"Gwood gwacious! Here's a howible go! The ifan [? word not legible] v's going to gwow a moustache! _Cornet Huffey_ (whose face is whiskerless). "Yaw don't mean that! Wall! there's only one alternative for us. We must shave!" xi. Juvenile Low Cockney.--"Jack; Whereabouts is Amstid-am?" _Jack._ "Well, I can't say exackerley, but I know it's somewhere near 'Ampstid-'eath!" xii. Cockney Domestic.--_Servant girl_--"Well, mam--Heverythink considered, I'm afraid you won't suit me. I've always bin brought up genteel: and I couldn't go nowheres where there ain't no footman kep'." xiii. Another.--_Lady._ "Wish to leave! why, I thought, Thompson, you were very comfortable with me!" _Thompson (who is extremely refined)_. "Ho yes, mum! I don't find no fault with you, mum--nor yet with master--but the truth _his_, mum--the _hother_ servants is so orrid vulgar and hignorant, and speaks so hungrammaticai, that I reely cannot live in the same 'ouse with 'em--and I should like to go this day month, if so be has it won't illconvenience you!" xiv. Cockney "Waiter.--"'Am, sir? Yessir? Don't take anything with your 'am, do you, sir?" _Gentleman._ "Yes, I do; I take the letter H!" xv. Cockney Hairdresser.--"They say, sir, the cholera is in the Hair, sir!" _Gent (very uneasy)_. "Indeed! Ahem! Then I hope you're very particular about the brushes you use." _Hairdresser._ "Oh, I see you don't nunderstand me, sir; I don't mean the 'air of the 'ed, but the _h_air _h_of the _h_atmosphere?" xvi. Cockney Sweep _(seated upon a donkey)_.--"Fitch us out another penn'orth o' strawberry hice, with a dollop o' lemon water in it." xvii. Feminine Cookney _(by the sea-side.)_--"Oh, Harriet, dear, put on your hat and let us thee the stheamboat come in. The thea is tho rough!--and the people will be tho abthurdly thick!" [ALUM FIRST DISCOVERED A.D. 1300.]