Enquire within upon everything by Robert Kemp Philp

Few things point so directly to the want of _cultivation_ as the misuse of the letter H by persons in conversation. We hesitate to assert that this common defect in speaking indicates the absence of _education_--for, to our surprise, we have heard even educated persons frequently commit this common, and vulgar error. Now, for the purpose of assisting those who desire to improve their mode of speaking, we intend to tell a little story about our next door neighbour, Mrs. Alexander Hitching,--or, as she frequently styled herself, with an air of conscious dignity, Mrs. HALEXANDER 'ITCHING. Her husband was a post-captain of some distinction, seldom at home, and therefore Mrs. A. H. (or, as she rendered it, Mrs. H. I.) felt it incumbent upon herself to represent her own dignity, and the dignity of her husband also. Well, this Mrs. Hitching was a next-door neighbour of ours--a most agreeable lady in many respects, middle aged, good looking, uncommonly fond of talking, of active, almost of fussy habits, very good tempered and good natured, but with a most unpleasant habit of misusing the letter H to such a degree that our sensitive nerves have often been shocked when in her society. But we must beg the reader, if Mrs. H. should be an acquaintance of his, not to breathe a word of our having written this account of her--or there would be no limit to her "_h_indignation." And, as her family is very numerous, it will be necessary to keep the matter as quiet as can be, for it will scarcely be possible to mention the subject anywhere, without "'orrifying" some of her relations, and instigating them to make Mrs. H. become our "_h_enemy," instead of remaining, as we wish her to do, our intimate friend. One morning, Mrs. H. called upon me, and asked me to take a walk, saying that it was her _h_object to look out for an 'ouse, as her lease had nearly terminated; and as she had often heard her dear 'Itching say that he would like to settle in the neighbourhood of 'Ampstead 'Eath, she should like me to assist her by my judgment in the choice of a residence. "I shall he most happy to accompany you," I said. "I knew you would," said she; "and I am sure a _h_our or two in your society will give me pleasure. It's so long since we've 'ad a gossip. Besides which, I want a change of _h_air." I glanced at her peruke, and for a moment laboured under the idea that she intended to call at her hairdresser's; but I soon recollected. "I suppose we had better take the _h_omnibus," she remarked, "and we can get out at the foot of the 'ill." I assented, and in a few minutes we were in the street, in the line of the omnibus, and one of those vehicles soon appearing-- "Will you 'ail it?" inquired she. So I hailed it at once, and we got in. Now Mrs. H. was so fond of talking that the presence of strangers never restrained her--a fact which I have often had occasion to regret. She was no sooner within the omnibus than she began remarking upon _h_inconveaience of such vehicles, because of their smallness, and the _h_insolence of many of the conductors. She thought that the proprietors ought only to 'ire men upon whose civility they could depend. Then she launched out into larger topics--said she thought that the _H_emperor of _H_austria--(here I endeavoured to interrupt her by asking whether she had any idea of the part of Hampstead she would like; but she would complete her remarks by saying)--must be as 'appy as the days are long, now that the _H_empress had presented him with a _hare_ to the throne! (Some of the passengers smiled, and turning round, looked out of the windows.) I much wished for our arrival at the spot where we should alight, for she commenced a story about an 'andsome young nephew of hers, who was a distinguished _h_officer of the _h_army. This was suggested to her, no doubt, by the presence in the omnibus of a fine-looking young fellow with a moustache. She said that at present her nephew was stationed in _h_ireland; but he expected soon to be _h_ordered to South _H_africa. The gentleman with the moustache seemed much amused, and smilingly asked her whether her nephew was at all _h_ambitious? I saw that he (the gentleman with the moustache) was jesting, and I would have given anything to have been released from the unpleasant predicament I was in. But what was more annoyance when Mrs. H. proceeded to say to this youth, whose face was radiant with humour, that it was the 'ight of her nephew's _h_ambition to serve his country in the _h_our of need; and then she proceeded to ask her fellow-traveller his opinion, of the _h_upshot of the war--remarking that she 'oped it would soon be _h_over! At this moment I felt so nervous that I pulled out my handkerchief, and endeavoured to create a diversion by making a loud nasal noise, and remarking that I thought the wind very cold, when an accident happened which took us all by surprise: one of the large wheels of the minibus dropped off, and all the passeigers were jostled down into a corner but, fortunately without serious injury. Mrs. H., however, happening to be under three or four persons, raised a loud cry for "'elp! 'elp!" She was speedily got out, when she assured us that she was not 'urt; but she was in such a state of _h_agitation that she wished to be taken to a chemist's shop, to get some _h_aromatic vinegar, or some _Hoe_ de Cologne! The chemist was exceedingly polite to her, for which she said she could never express her _h_obligations--an assertion which seemed to me to be literally true. It was some time before she resumed her accustomed freedom of conversation; but as we ascended the hill she explained to me that she should like to take the house as tenant from '_ear_ to _'ear!_--but she thought landlords would _h_object to such an agreement, as when they got a good tenant they liked to 'old 'im as long as they could. She expressed an opinion that 'Amstead must be very 'ealthy, because it was so 'igh _h_up. We soon reached the summit of the hill, and turned through a lane which led towards the Heath, and in which villas and cottages were smiling on each side. "Now, there's a _h_elegant little place!" she exclaimed, "just suited to my _h_ideas--about _h_eight rooms and a _h_oriel _h_over the _h_entrance." But it was not to let--so we passed on. Presently, she saw something likely to suit her, and as there was a bill in the window, "To be let--Enquire Within," she gave a loud rat-a-tat-tat at the door. The servant opened it. "I see this 'ouse is to let." "Yes, ma'am, it is; will you walk in?" "'Ow many rooms are there?" "Eleven, ma'am; but if you will step in, mistress will speak to you." A very graceful lady made her appearance at the parlour door, and invited us to step in. I felt exceedingly nervous, for I at once perceived that the lady of the house spoke with that accuracy and taste which is one of the best indications of refinement. "The house _is_ to let--and a very pleasant residence we have found it." "'Ave you _h_occupied it long?" "Our family has resided here for more than nine years." "Then, I suppose, your lease 'as run _h_out!" "No! we have it for five years longer: but my brother, who is a clergyman, has been appointed to a living in Yorkshire, and for his sake, and for the pleasure of his society, we desire to remove." "Well--there's nothing like keeping families together for the sake of 'appiness. Now there's my poor dear 'Itching" [There she paused, as if somewhat affected, and some young ladies who were in the room drew their heads together, and appeared to consult about their needlework; but I saw, by dimples upon their cheeks, which they could not conceal, that they were smiling], "'e's 'itherto been _h_at 'ome so seldom, that I've 'ardly _h_ever known what 'appiness _h_is." I somewhat abruptly broke in upon the conversation, by suggesting that she had better look through the house, and inquire the conditions of tenancy. We consequently went through the various rooms, and in every one of them she had "an _h_objection to this," or "a 'atred for that," or would give "an 'int which might be useful" to the lady when she removed. The young ladies were heard tittering very much whenever Mrs. H. broke out, in a loud voice, with her imperfect elocution, and I felt so much annoyed, that I determined to cure her of her defective speaking. In the evening, after returning home, we were sitting by the fire, feeling comfortable and chatty, when I proposed to Mrs. Hitching the following enigma from the pen of the late Henry Mayhew:-- The Vide Vorld you may search, and my fellow not find; I dwells in a Wacuum, deficient in Vind; In the Wisage I'm seen--in the Woice I am heard, And yet I'm inwisible, gives went to no Vurd. I'm not much of a Vag, for I'm vanting in Vit; But distinguished in Werse for the Wollums I've writ. I'm the head of all Willains, yet far from the Vurst-- I'm the foremost in Wice, though in Wirtue the first. I'm not used to Veapons, and ne'er goes to Vor; Though in Walour inwincible--in Wictory sure; The first of all Wiands and Wictuals is mine-- Rich in Wen'son and Weal, but deficient in Vine. To Wanity given, I in Welwets abound; But in Voman, in Vife, and in Vidow ain't found: Yet conspicuous in Wirgins, and I'll tell you, between us, To persons of taste I'm a bit of a Wenus; Yet none take me for Veal--or for Voe in its stead, For I ranks not among the sweet Voo'd, Vun, and Ved! Before the recital of the enigma was half completed, Mrs. Hitching laughed heartily--she saw, of course, the meaning of it--that it was a play upon the Cockney error of using the V instead of the W, and the latter instead of the V. Several times, as I proceeded, she exclaimed "_H_excellent! _h_excellent!" and when I had finished, she remarked that is was very "_h_ingenious," and enough to "_h_open the _h_eyes" of the Cockneys to their stupid and vulgar manner of speaking. A more difficult and delicate task lay before me. I told her that as she was so much pleased with the first enigma, I would submit another by the same author. I felt very nervous, but determined to proceed: I dwells in the Herth, and I breathes in the Hair; If you searches the Hocean, you'll find that I'm there. The first of all Hangels, in Holympus am Hi, Yet I'm banished from 'Eaven, expelled from on 'Igh. But though on this Horb I am destined to grovel, I'm ne'er seen in an 'Ouse, in an 'Ut, nor an 'Ovel; Not an 'Oss nor an 'Unter e'er bears me, alas! But often I'm found on the top of a Hass. I resides in a Hattic, and loves not to roam, And yet I'm invariably absent from 'Ome. Though 'ushed in the 'Urricane, of the Hatmosphere part, I enters no 'Ed, I creeps into no 'Art. Only look, and you'll see in the Heye I appear, Only 'ark, and you'll 'ear me just breathe in the Hear; Though in sex not an 'E, I am (strange paradox!) Not a bit of an 'Eifer, but partly a Hox. Of Heternity Hi'm the beginning! And, mark, Though I goes not with Noah, I am first in the Hark. I'm never in 'Ealth--have with Fysic no power; I dies in a Month, but comes back In a Hour! In re-citing the above I strongly emphasized the misplaced _h_'s. After a brief pause, Mrs. Hitchings exclaimed, "Very good; very clever." I then determined to complete my task by repeating the following enigma upon the same letter written by Miss Catherine Fanshawe and often erroneously attributed to Byron: 'Twas whispered in heaven, 'twas muttered in hell, And echo caught faintly the sound as it fell; On the confines of earth 'twas permitted to rest, And the depths of the ocean its presence confessed. 'Twill be found in the sphere when 'tis riven asunder, Be seen in the lightning, and heard in the thunder. 'Twas allotted to man with his earliest breath, Attends at his birth, and awaits him in death; It presides o'er his happiness, honour, and health, Is the prop of his house, and the end of his wealth. In the heaps of the miser 'tis hoarded with care, But is sure to be lost on his prodigal heir. It begins every hope, every wish it must bound, With the husbandman toils, with the monarch is crowned. Without it the soldier and seaman may roam, But woe to the wretch who expels it from home. In the whispers of conscience its voice will be found, Nor e'en in the whirlwind of passion be drowned. 'Twill not soften the heart, and though deaf to the ear, 'Twill make it acutely and instantly hear. But in shade let it rest, like a delicate flower-- Oh, breathe on it softly--it dies in an hour. She was much pleased, but seemed thoughtful, and once or twice in conversation checked herself, and corrected herself in the pronunciation of words that were difficult to her. A few days afterwards., I called upon her, and upon being introduced to the parlour to wait for her appearance, I saw lying upon her table the following: MEMORANDUM ON THE USE OF THE LETTER H. Pronounce--Herb, 'Erb. " Heir, 'Eir. " Honesty, 'Onesty. " Honour, 'Onour. " Hospital, 'Ospital. " Hostler, 'Ostler. " Hour, 'Our. " Humour, 'Umour. " Humble, 'Umble. " Humility, 'Umility. _In all other cases the H is to be sounded when it begins a word._ _Mem_.--Be careful to sound the _H_ slightly in such words as w_h_ere, w_h_en, w_h_at, w_h_y--don't say were, wen, wat, wy. I am happy to say that it is now a pleasure to hear Mrs. Hitching's conversation. I only hope that others may improve as she has done. [GLASS MANUFACTURING IN ENGLAND A.D. 1457.]